1. |
Near Death
05:27
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i loved you
against a wall, underneath the stairs
but the most of you i felt
was when you weren't really there
underneath a garden
it seems wrong to bring you flowers
mottled and stained
you ruin days and make nights
dark and full of shame
i'm going back to how i was
fall asleep face the wall
i know you're shy
you know i'll let you
kindness in a string
will we meet? have i done enough?
eyes closed, heart empty
weighed against a feather and found heavy
half alive
your touch reminds me of when i almost died
still here, barely
i can leave when i want
let's meet i'm ready
in time we can fall away
apart and join again
we can talk without words
then fade
a sleep of meaning
at the end of suffering
are you now without form?
can you see what's been left of you?
so many wrongs
can be forgiven
on your pale lips
when you're half there
half alive to have you with me
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2. |
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laminate plague
discolored with age
a city of broken wheelchairs
heart sick
pressure therapy
under iron locked manacles
rusted cut into skin
tetanic fractures, risus sardonic kiss
touch warm skin on latex
life leech delirium, sterile sex
watched close never let stray
white gown blank face burned out and scared
touching don't touch me
tear off skin like a bandage
scars fold flesh onto flesh
pornography of death
head sick electric therapy
love sick needles no memory
convulsant; salted an iv
your love tastes of putrescine
i'll drink your poisoned cup
so pathetic whatever you want
helpless i'm lost
only hours to go until
oh
underneath a paper blanket
kernig sign death certificate
cut apart and sewn together
your footsteps coming closer i'm sweating
handfuls of pills
in plastic cups
all my food tastes like your spit
i'm giving up
i don't want anything else
i don't deserve it
i don't want anyone else
i don't deserve this
no anaesthetic but no pain
hopeless bliss
white skin white skirt bloodstains
blue socks red bracelet
i'm never going home again
negative pressure stone skin
induce fever
kill an illness
kill me
can't even breathe without your help i'm empty
you make me sick i need you
all my insides keep coming out
your touch is a dehiscence
and i'm begging to be split apart
disorder!
sutures don't try too hard
even if you make me whole
i'll still end up in your bed
cardiotoxic breast
long qt arrhythmia
take this blood fix this broken heart
all i need is your kiss when you let it out
fix me
don't fix me
don't leave me
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3. |
I Hate This Night
08:33
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cut it out
grinded down
the place we live
i've been sleeping on the floor
when it's so dark
it doesn't matter
if your eyes are open
or not
i feel you
as a chill in the air
and the prickles
on my skin
sleep with me
come for me in dreams
exhausted
how much do you know?
sexless and bathed in silver light
wounded and pouring out
shines like oil on asphalt
i never want to be alone again
i stay up late just to know you
i stare at mirrors in the dark
you flicker
startle me awake
tell me your name
in half light
lie with me
make me cold
make me feel
bleeding out
falling down
sick of standing
getting dangerous now
a hunter has killed you
leaking from your ribs
you let me see in
but it should have been me
you're barely there
wield your frailty
onto and off scales
onto and off me
wish i knew your body
when you were piled in
onto the others
and you're just like them
sexless in the moonlight
soft cold skin
so little life
the feeling of your hand
on my cheek
I have never seen you walk
but i sense you glide effortlessly
the house breathes
when you're near
knocking into the walls
knocking into me
i've been drinking early
no point in being straight
my world turns
when i touch your face
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4. |
Lustform
08:33
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a fire pit in my stomach
when i see you
i'm a liar a bad one you can tell
you can see it on my face when i say
it's okay
it's okay we can sharpen our knives
you looked so good sitting on the floor
i want to be someone you write letters for
one of the hearts you broke
i'll give you my wrist if i ever stray
and i might, oh
this awful heart's a curse and i'm weak i'm a whore and i hate it
lust given form and i don't want it anymore please take it
a fire pit in my stomach when i see you
i'm a liar a bad one you can tell
you can see it on my face when i say, oh
i don't need anyone else
and i don't mind if you take them from me by force
i want to be anyone else
and i hope that one day you remake me whole
so you say
'i want the taste of your blood in my mouth'
and i say
nothing i just close my eyes and wait for you
i can't wait to be undone
i can't wait i want to be unmade
i want you to kill me
i want you to take this awful heart between your teeth
i want to hang around
phantom floating for just long enough to see
a fire pit in my stomach
when i see you
i'm a liar a bad one you can tell
you can see it on my face when i say
i want you to take me
i want to hang around
phantom floating for just long enough to see
to see
you
legs folded and sitting on the floor
wearing shorts, bloodstains down to your thighs and socks
cradled head in your hands like
'i can't believe what i've done. i can't believe it's real'
tears dried on your cheeks now you're smiling through splayed hands wet knife on the floor
red handprint where you palmed the tile
an awful mess just like the love letters you once wrote
if you couldn't have my heart now you have my life
you're smoking. now you're on the phone
show them what you wrote for me
make them understand
what we had, could they ever know
could they
could you make them
could they see your words and see that that's real love
that that's why i stayed
a fire
pit in your soul
something missing that i once filled now vacant
this awful heart's a curse and i'm weak i'm a whore and i hate it
lust given form and i don't want it anymore please take it between your teeth
they're sharp and i love them they made me cry
in your hands, my viscera
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5. |
Derelict
05:58
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black stains
or ochre i can hardly tell
in this dim light
no need to see when we know each other this well
run my hand along you
keep me steady when i'm dizzy
when it's hard to move
dim light, quiet just so i can hear you
nothing works in you
time's slow and you change the floors
'we don't go there anymore'
'we don't go there anymore'
oh, but i do
cold skin bruise lividity
hunched over wide eyed
like you ate your son
righting a chair
and i know it's you
marks on the carpet move the table
you make me happy to be with you
carnations and orchids
saw fit to wilt them
i know you're bitter
i'll bring you blood instead
oh, but i will
i'm in love with your plaster, the way it peels
you make my heart still
my hand inside you i know you're real
oh, but you need me
you need my stains to cover old ones
i know you're lonely
in the daylight once so proud you're ugly
so let's drink let's sleep let's rot
let's fuck the night
i want you i don't care it's wrong
can't make you happy but i'll try
in vain but still
what do you know? what can you feel?
lips against the wall
where you're bare can you tell?
oh, but i do
and i will
because you need me
because you're so alone
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Illusory Games Canberra, Australia
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